Is it possible to say something about nothing?

Today I was lucky enough to be confronted about my terrible perspective on life. I can't believe how selfish I have become. Actually, I can believe it. Everything I do, I look for the motive that will benefit me in the long run. That isn't how Christians work, they do things that don't benefit them just for other people. It's gotten so bad, that I have been wondering why people are coming short to "serving" me. It deeply saddens me that this is how I have become. Obviously it is a human trait, but one that I have tried my entire life to overcome. I have learned through many experiences that selflessness is the key to lasting friendships. Maybe that is why recently all mine have come to a crashing halt. It doesn't seem like it should work this way, but I can see now that it does.

This is probably the most painful thing I have ever actually admitted, but I think I really do run away from everything that hurts me. I never stick around, you get one chance and then I'm gone. As much as I announce otherwise, I am terrible at holding grudges. I still have some from Kindergarden. What a pathetic and miserable way to live. I become so absorbed in these petty scratches that I have missed out on so many joys that come with moving on.

I could be a really great sister to Sarah, and help her through all of these experiences that she is struggling with right now. After all, I have gone through most of them previous to now and would probably have some pretty helpful advice and comfort. Instead, I have cut her out of my life... why? Because she is struggling really bad right now so BEKAH can't count on her. Are you kidding me? Actually seeing that spelled out for me, I feel so foolish. How could I be so self-righteous?

Looking back over the past few weeks, I can't think of a single time I haven't turned the blame in a situation on anyone but me. I force everyone else to take responsibility for their mistakes and refuse to tackle my own. How hyprocritical. Just yesterday, my best friend was having a terrible day and I pushed him down even further by making him apologize to me for something that hardly matters at all. I just had to get credit for something.

I am so disgusted with myself after looking at all the details. I have turned into exactly the opposite of the person I have always wanted to be. I'm rapidly undoing all the work I have accomplished over the last four years, of overcoming so many enormous obstacles. Although, that may be a little dramatic, I can see how this will result if I continue in this perspective and mindset. I just hope it's not too late to turn it around. I guess that's where God comes in. He is there to get me back on track when I fall so hard..