Is it possible to say something about nothing?

All of my recent blog posts seem to be following the same general theme... reality hitting me smack in the head. This one will continue on with this theme.

Today I went to CGCC bookstore to pick up the books I need for my classes that start on Monday. I wasn't expecting 3 used books to cost me 250 dollars. That is when I started realizing just how miserably I have messed up this time. I have made so many poor decisions this last year and I am wondering how much more I need to see until I've finally had enough. My image of life shatters on a daily basis as I try to recover from some decision I made six months ago. Bottom line: I have become the opposite of the person I want to be. I am selfish, judgemental, hyprocritical and naive. (Most of these I have covered in previous posts) You'd think I would start to clue in after the first realization. Unfortunately, I am still acting out of my newly established characteristics.

In the book I've been reading, A Scandalous Freedom, it talks about how if one wants to overcome a pain, you have to face it head on, contrary to what my insticts tell me. I have spent the last 6 months to a year running from all the things that I'm scared of or that cause me discomfort. The result being lonliness, I have lost virtually all of the friends I started out with, and I am completely broke financially among a myriad of other consequences.

I ran away from church at the first sign of trouble and have been hiding at my "new" church. I can't say I've been totally impressed with Central, but I think I have had a hard time knowing all along I was just avoiding facing people and things I've been needing to deal with at East Valley. Therefore, I am returning to East Valley this Sunday and have emailed the manager of the Commons about letting me volunteer there on Sundays.

I have to start working my butt off. I have become extremely lazy. I'm ready to get back on track... as I always say.

I want to go to NAU in fall of 2010. In order to do that, I need to work constantly and apply for every single scholarship that comes my way. I need to start being who God called me to be and stop pretending and hiding. I'm sick of being something I'm not and building this facade that everything is perfectly fine.

I'm going to make more mistakes in the future, that is inevitable. That doesn't mean I'm a failure, it just means I have to figure out a way to fix it. That is exactly what I will spend this summer doing. Making up for the countless mistakes I've been making lately.