Is it possible to say something about nothing?

All of my recent blog posts seem to be following the same general theme... reality hitting me smack in the head. This one will continue on with this theme.

Today I went to CGCC bookstore to pick up the books I need for my classes that start on Monday. I wasn't expecting 3 used books to cost me 250 dollars. That is when I started realizing just how miserably I have messed up this time. I have made so many poor decisions this last year and I am wondering how much more I need to see until I've finally had enough. My image of life shatters on a daily basis as I try to recover from some decision I made six months ago. Bottom line: I have become the opposite of the person I want to be. I am selfish, judgemental, hyprocritical and naive. (Most of these I have covered in previous posts) You'd think I would start to clue in after the first realization. Unfortunately, I am still acting out of my newly established characteristics.

In the book I've been reading, A Scandalous Freedom, it talks about how if one wants to overcome a pain, you have to face it head on, contrary to what my insticts tell me. I have spent the last 6 months to a year running from all the things that I'm scared of or that cause me discomfort. The result being lonliness, I have lost virtually all of the friends I started out with, and I am completely broke financially among a myriad of other consequences.

I ran away from church at the first sign of trouble and have been hiding at my "new" church. I can't say I've been totally impressed with Central, but I think I have had a hard time knowing all along I was just avoiding facing people and things I've been needing to deal with at East Valley. Therefore, I am returning to East Valley this Sunday and have emailed the manager of the Commons about letting me volunteer there on Sundays.

I have to start working my butt off. I have become extremely lazy. I'm ready to get back on track... as I always say.

I want to go to NAU in fall of 2010. In order to do that, I need to work constantly and apply for every single scholarship that comes my way. I need to start being who God called me to be and stop pretending and hiding. I'm sick of being something I'm not and building this facade that everything is perfectly fine.

I'm going to make more mistakes in the future, that is inevitable. That doesn't mean I'm a failure, it just means I have to figure out a way to fix it. That is exactly what I will spend this summer doing. Making up for the countless mistakes I've been making lately.

Let me begin with saying, I absolutely love the summer time. I love the hot weather, that is definitely bearable contrary to what some may think. I love my summer schedule and how packed full it is. I love being productive, and this last school year has been a complete waste and got me off my normal track. I love being organized, and I finally have got my room back to normal - CLEAN. This entire year, while going to school it has been a disaster, but now I am back to my normal organized self and I couldn't be more thrilled. I like making money and having places to be. My summer schedule consists of me waking up at early hours of the morning, even earlier than I would for zero hour! In fact, tomorrow I am working at 6 in the morning at a store pretty far from my house, therefore I have to leave at 5:25 in order to arrive in a suitable time! I love going to work in the morning and having that part of my day over by 11 or 12. Tomorrow I have a long work day and will be at it until 3, but I definitely need the money. School starts on Monday and to say that I am stoked would be a complete understatement. I think I am really going to enjoy my classes and having that to do at night. Although my social life has pretty much come to a sudden hault, I wouldn't have it any other way. In fact, I like being around the people I work with more often and my family. I definitely have more fun with my family than anyone else I've ever met, with the possible exception of Zeah. I have had so much fun hanging out with my family this week though and having the whole day to do it. We finally finished my mom's office today and it looks great!! Who would have thought she'd ever have her own office? And it is HUGE! I'm so proud of her. I'm glad she let me be a part of that entire process. Summer is off to a great start and can only get better from here!

I think it is safe to say that I love my job, I love it I tell you. I just lost sight of that fact for quite some time. I survived a 13 hour work day and I wouldn't have it any other way. I essentially did every task imaginable that goes on at Starbucks on a daily basis, working for morning to close. The decisions I made in the morning impacted me greatly as a closer. We still got out late, but I think today was the best shift I have had in a very long time.
My throat hurts very badly from laughing so much without breathing the entire night. I haven't laughed that hard in years, if ever. Towards the middle of my day, the store became vacant and since I had worked so hard at the beginning of my shift, the four of us were able to enjoy a while to ourselves, just goofing off and not stressing about the work that had yet to be done, because it had already been done! Towards the end of the night, we picked up a lot and things got a little behind again. We closed 20 minutes late, but it was a good night.
Now I am on a mission to bring the fun back to the Bux. Yes, it is very possible to have a really fun time and get a lot done. I proved that today, even with my enormous amount of exhaustion. I'm excited to bring out the best in people, instead of adding to the stress of work. We don't get paid enough to not enjoy ourselves and that is exactly what I intend to do from now on. I mean, if I'm going to be working 40 hour weeks, I might as well make the best of it!

You know, sometimes I wish I was a computer whiz because I found the perfect template for my blog, but I don't know how to transform it into the correct format. Therefore, I am stuck with this mediocre one instead.

Today I have felt rather lonely. I typically feel this way at every moment of every day, but today it seemed to be drastically intensified. That got me thinking that I don't know why I always feel so lonely. I am lonely in this cold world, but I have my best friend at my side at every single instant. Thinking like that makes me feel silly. I've spent a lot of time praying today, just talking to my best friend about how I'm struggling. Then I remembered to pull out my book of promises and came across this: "If you belonged to the world, the world would love its own. But because you do not belong to the world and I have chosen you out of it, the world will hate you. Do you remember what I said to you, 'The servant is not greater than his master?' if they have persecuted me, they will persecute you as well, but if they have followed my teaching, they will also follow yours." John 15:19
This verse really helped me remember my place. It's kind of strange to imagine what life would be like without Jesus always right there with me. I mean, life already sucks pretty bad as it is, but it would suck a much greater amount without Him to always bail me out and encourage me through all the circumstances I struggle through. Thinking of it that way, things never seem to be so bad.

Today has been quite eventful, yet uneventful at the same time. It's finally safe to say that I am a high school alumni and a current college student! Graduation was shockingly fun last night. I never thought I'd meet so many people, but I was surrounded by people I didn't know the entire day and I'm not about to go the whole time without any friends! Recieving my diploma was very exciting after all! I had a blast with my parents at dinner, that was probably my favorite part of the day. Possibly a tie with seeing my best friend after the ceremony though.

Today was when everything went haywire. I woke up to instantly realize that I didn't have enough money to pay the money I would need to in order to attend my dermatologist appointment. I've never been in that situation before and saying that I freaked out would be an understatement. So, I ended up rescheduling the appointment. I felt like such a jerk for cancelling 20 minutes before my appointment.

Almost immediately following that, I got a call from Facelogic, the place where I had my interview today... the one I was extremely excited about and looking foward to, the one 27 miles away from my house.. and Chad talked to me about his concern for the distance I would be driving every day to work. I agreed with him and shared his concern. We talked about it, I told him I just wanted to see how the interview went because I really enjoyed our previous phone conversation and he assured me that the interview would be amazing because I blew all the other candidates for the job out of the water tremendously (made my day!) and that they were fully prepared to offer me the job. He said it was up to me, but logically speaking, didn't think it was wise to even attend the interview. I agreed, so he offered to keep my resume on file in case they ever open up a spa on my side of town. He said I would be the first person they contact. So even though I was emensely disappointed, I was greatly complimented at the same time.

Work was interesting today. I feel like it went pretty well actually. I am starting to get used to working earlier in the day again. Sky is about halfway through her training! I am always happy to see her there.

I explained my financial situation to my parents, they seemed to understand why I was so broke, since this month was completely full of unordinary expenses. I explained the lesson I had learned and even though they did seem slightly disappointed in me, they helped me out with gas which I could never express my grattitude for.

So, my first official day of being a high school graduate was pretty stressful. I guess life hit me like a ton of bricks, but I wouldn't have it any other way!

This is how today went:
First I slept in until the glorious hour of 7:30. Quite a treat, after an entire semester of waking up at 4:30. I then proceeded to hurridely complete my morning routine in order to make time to cook my celebration breakfast consisting of pancakes. I devoured 7 in record time! Then I took my goverment final and expressed my farewells to my fellow graduates, seeing as that was possibly the very last time I will set foot on that campus in my lifetime. Still neglecting the sentimental feeling everyone around me seemed to possess, I departed from the parking lot with an enormous smile spread across my face! The next item on my agenda was to see my newest friend Sky Mellinger on her very first day at Starbucks! We were able to talk for quite a while and I managed to learn so many cool things about her, I hope she is able to attend the ceremony tomorrow night! I also saw Gary and he wasn't near as hyper as the other day! While I was there I got a call from this skincare spa called Facelogic in Scottsdale that I sent my resume to a couple months ago. The guy I was talking to, Chad, said he was very impressed with the email I sent them and was wondering if he could interview me over the phone which I accepted. After talking for quite awhile we came to the mutual agreement that this would be a suitable job for me and set up a time for me to meet him face-to-face. I am beyond thrilled at this opporunity, I think this is the kind of job I have been searching for! Following that, I came home and discovered that I passed math with a 63% final grade, and I managed to get a 57 on the final which just so happens to be the highest test grade I've had all semester long. I guess not studying works better for me than studying! I made some delicious penne pasta and watched some tv and completed other tedious tasks that needed to get done. I took Sarah to her first day of work which lasted only 15 minutes, the longest fifteen minutes of my life. I waited in the truck for her but it was extremely hot out there. I felt like I was on the brink of my death from being overheated! The rest of my day is hardly worth mentioning, tomorrow I am sure will be much more exciting seeing how it's graduation and all!

I've been thinking a lot lately about what it means to be a real friend to someone. Not just the kind of person that gives you companionship from time to time or the people you wave to out of courtesy. I'm talking about the person you trust with all of your heart, with your life, with the things that you can barely admit to yourself. I think it is very rare for someone to experience that kind of friendship in their life because people are so selfish and base all decisions on what is best for them, or do things out of selfish intentions. So even if something appears to be in your best interest, your friends motives aren't for you at all, but they found something beneficial to themself in the course of that action. Though this is to be expected, it is hurtful sometimes, or it just distances you from that friend.

Anyways, I looked up the definition of a best friend in the dictionary (answers.com) and this is what it came up with: A best friend is a special pal who generally likes to do a lot of the same things you like. You tend to have more fun with your best friend than with other friends, and you can tell him or her more of your feelings, even secrets, because you trust that person more than anyone else. And your best friend feels the same way about you, sharing important ideas and feelings. It seems like your best friend understands you better than any other person you know. You care about each other a great deal. You share your good times and bad times with a best friend, and that person does the same with you..
The thing that stuck out to me was when it said that you share your good AND bad times with your best friend. It's the times when your best friend is there to stick it out with you when everything seems to be crashing in on you when it really counts. Sure, it's easy being friends with someone when they are all smiles, it's hard when you actually have to help them through a trial.

Thanks to my book of promises, I also found this verse:
You are better off to have a friend than to be all alone, because then you will get more enjoyment out of what you earn. If you fall, your friend can help you up. But if you fall without having a friend nearby, you are really in trouble. Ecclesiastes 4:9
I thought this was cool because it's true, you can enjoy the good things that happen to you more if you have someone to celebrate with. Someone who can truly appreciate your accomplishments with you, is one of the greatest feelings you could experience.

All this to say, after looking back through the last 18 years of my life, I have had the privelege of having one best friend. I've had a lot of REALLY good friends, but none that I would consider to meet all of these characteristics (not saying it's easy). Jennifer, Katie, Andy, Kayla, Beth, Jessica, and Alyssa.. all really good friends that I was blessed to have. But after thinking it over, they all left me whenever things started to get tough. I think a true friend gives you the opportunity to mend mistakes and help you through the things that cause you to struggle so much that it takes a tole on your friendship. Well guess what, I've finally found that friend. Throughout my whole life, my friendships have always bumped up against my stupidity or my lack of trust, which is very hurtful to my friends. Instantly they run as far as they can away from my direction, or I run as fast as possible to escape the attachments that follow my mistakes. They have always let me run. But not my BEST friend. No, as soon as I tried that he told me that wasn't the way to work things out. I've never even had someone who was willing to fix the hurt that I've caused. Even when I don't offer my trust out so easily, he understands that it's difficult to do that but just gives his welcoming presense in case I need it. Or if I am just completely stupid and act before thinking it out, he always forgives me, even if it really has nothing to do with him at all and he has every reason to give up on me. You know who this description reminds me of? Jesus, who is definitely, above all, my closest best friend that no one could ever compare to. But while on earth, I think my human best friend is pretty darn close and I could not be more thankful for having him in my life. I get the opportunity to see God's glory every single day just by watching how he lives his life and it just makes me strive to also shine that glory. I just don't understand how someone like me gets to be such good friends with someone like him. I wanted him to know just how much he means to me and all that he has done for me.

I have taken liking to the format that I did yesterday. Because it allows me to explain my day, without really explaining it. I think it tells a miniture story that only I can decode which brings me great pleasure, so I think I will continue writing in that manner.

When are you going to get it through your head that it's Sarah's turn!?!
I was out of place
Yeah you were. Get your own stinkin' car.
Hey, so I know we don't talk anymore but good luck on your finals and graduating.
Who is this?
Jessica
What was the point of texting me that?
Bekahh!! Gary and Norbert are crazy today!
What does that mean?
Oh, nevermind
I've spilt 11 drinks already! And it's only 11!!
Oh goodness
Don't hate me but you're going in drive thru
I don't hate you
What is wrong with them!?
Bekah SAVE ME
Gary why are your times at 10 minutes?
huhhh!? hahahahahhahahahaha
Why is that funny!?
I'm just giving you a hard time!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Even though I yell at you for something every 5 seconds, you are the most legendary person we've got
Really?
We're going to Big Surf
That will be fun!
Big Surf isn't open
Why are they laughing in there?
Oh how I wish I knew
GARY FOCUS!
You've made 4 wrong drinks for the same customer!
Oh I'll make another one!
Oh do you want ANOTHER free drink? He messed up again!
Hey I love free stuff!
What are you up to today
Just relaxin.... ;)
oh.
BEKAHHH! Go on a trash run then you're outta here!
Aw thanks!
9 trips later..
ew there is sweat running down my back
Do you want a cold drink?
What's wrong?
I"m fine, just don't be mad at me.
I'm not, talk to you tomorrow then.
Why?
You don't want to know apparently.
I work at the sherrifs office
oh, do you like it?
I love it! It's so entertaining!
People are soo weird.
Did you just drop the trash can
oops...

Hey there Lady Kimble!
Don't say that, he's right there!
Don't hate me but you're going in drive bar..
I don't hate you.
Bekah make a new one
What is wrong with it?
I WILL TELL YOU WHAT IS WRONG WITH IT!!!!!!!!
Let me talk to your manager
Bekah the customer is never wrong
Next time, cut the attitude
What attitude? I was just asking so I could fix it.
Oh my gosh, never question the customer
She really thinks I'm from Yugoslavia, so don't tell her shhh.
That's why you shut the window!
PLEASE EXPLAIN TO ME WHY I AM SWEATING LIKE CRAZY, DOING FLOORS ALL BY MYSELF WHY YOU 3 ARE BACK HERE TALKING!!?!?!
well...
Bekah just don't go there
I wasn't really mad at you, I just have to be harsh to get my point across
I had been running, literally running, around all morning.. I'm sorry I was actually taking a breath for the first time in 3 hours
Yeah, you have been doing great
Bekah look the wall is bleeding again!
SEE I TOLD YOU!
Aw I like you. You are fun to work with
We never work together though!
We are right now!
Oh yeah!
Bekah I spelled your name right and Kristen didn't
Uhh... she forgot my coffee...
That's to be expected, don't worry I will take care of it
I wish you were here all the time so we would never have a bad experience
Oh look how much tips I made
It's a team effort, you didn't make them alone
True... ?
That's a huge pet peeve of mine.
So do I need to change for tonight?
Uh, what are you talking about..?
You knoww... ;)
No..
Alright.... ;)
OH MY GOSH! Poor girl, look at her face!
Dad! You can't just say that
See I told you that you could look a lot worse Bekah
He looks like he's going to jail
Oh he's autistic
That explains it!
DAD!!!!
I don't know if you could walk any louder
Oh I'm sure I could, I just don't know if I could walk any quieter
What are you thinking?
Well right at that moment I was wondering how girls can wear a bra all the time!
How did it go?
Oh it went all right except for my resulting headache from the clickk clackk clickk clackk
Umm... what?
*click clack click clack*
Oh.

I think I lost sight of what I'm all about...
I remember when I used to love being in drive-thru at work because I basically got paid to stand around and talk to people. Today I remembered that. I just have to make it fun, that is my job after all.

My job is to serve others
My job is to build everyone else up
I'm trying to get back on track with that..
How else am I going to show God's love to the people around me?

All I am is yours.
I'll stand, with arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the one who gave it all
I'll stand, my soul, Lord to you surrendered.. All I am is yours.

That is my life story. I love that song, by Hillsong.
Maybe my lack of sentiment doesn't matter. I should be excited for graduation and yearbooks and all of the things I find to be pure nonsense just because it's important to everyone who is important to me. I'm starting to figure that out. So that is my mission, to start getting excited and rub that off on EVERYONE and stop being such a downer!
Ready settttt GO!

After working a total of 23 hours in one weekend, living off of flaming lime hot cheetoes and repeating the same phrase continuously for the past 3 days... I think it is safe to say, I am exhausted! Work was nuts today, guy after guy was coming through to get their wife or mother coffee. I guess that is like the standard mother's day gift...Although it was a very long, tiring weekend, I can't say I'd have it any other way. Starbucks is my passion and there is no getting around that.

I am so thankful to become friends with Sky. She is such a lovely, beautiful girl and I consider myself truly blessed to have an instant friendship with her. I know she is going to make a great barista and I can imagine that I'll learn a lot from her and her wonderful character! I'm excited!

I hardly spent time with my mother today, but I think her day was special regardless. My dad and I got her a cd that has songs on it written by a lady that goes to EVBC and is the wife of the worship pastor for the service they go to. I could tell she was beyond thrilled to recieve it. I also made her a card which turned out pretty good, that was my favorite. I love giving cards to people!

All together, I would consider this a pretty good weekend! Full of opportunities to earn some money which I definitely need!!

I also heard a spectacular sermon tonight which I will explain in greater detail tomorrow.

Today I was lucky enough to be confronted about my terrible perspective on life. I can't believe how selfish I have become. Actually, I can believe it. Everything I do, I look for the motive that will benefit me in the long run. That isn't how Christians work, they do things that don't benefit them just for other people. It's gotten so bad, that I have been wondering why people are coming short to "serving" me. It deeply saddens me that this is how I have become. Obviously it is a human trait, but one that I have tried my entire life to overcome. I have learned through many experiences that selflessness is the key to lasting friendships. Maybe that is why recently all mine have come to a crashing halt. It doesn't seem like it should work this way, but I can see now that it does.

This is probably the most painful thing I have ever actually admitted, but I think I really do run away from everything that hurts me. I never stick around, you get one chance and then I'm gone. As much as I announce otherwise, I am terrible at holding grudges. I still have some from Kindergarden. What a pathetic and miserable way to live. I become so absorbed in these petty scratches that I have missed out on so many joys that come with moving on.

I could be a really great sister to Sarah, and help her through all of these experiences that she is struggling with right now. After all, I have gone through most of them previous to now and would probably have some pretty helpful advice and comfort. Instead, I have cut her out of my life... why? Because she is struggling really bad right now so BEKAH can't count on her. Are you kidding me? Actually seeing that spelled out for me, I feel so foolish. How could I be so self-righteous?

Looking back over the past few weeks, I can't think of a single time I haven't turned the blame in a situation on anyone but me. I force everyone else to take responsibility for their mistakes and refuse to tackle my own. How hyprocritical. Just yesterday, my best friend was having a terrible day and I pushed him down even further by making him apologize to me for something that hardly matters at all. I just had to get credit for something.

I am so disgusted with myself after looking at all the details. I have turned into exactly the opposite of the person I have always wanted to be. I'm rapidly undoing all the work I have accomplished over the last four years, of overcoming so many enormous obstacles. Although, that may be a little dramatic, I can see how this will result if I continue in this perspective and mindset. I just hope it's not too late to turn it around. I guess that's where God comes in. He is there to get me back on track when I fall so hard..

Well, so much for posting everyday! I think this would be more purposeful if I spaced them out though and only talked about the important stuff.

Lately I have been spending most of my time working on my Kant presentation which I found to be quite enjoyable. I also ended up getting a really great grade on it and it feels to have one final out of the way.

I also have been reading Psalm quite a bit lately. Last week at the worship service, my interest was peaked when Aaron Keyes kept quoting that book and all of the verses really got right to my heart. So I've been finding it to be very encouraging, especially through this time in life where patience is a necessity. I'm basically just waiting to be 18 and it can be very frustrating and painful at times. There is so much I want to do, but my age is holding me back.

My parents have been struggling lately and seem to constantly be taking it out on each other. I typically get stuck talking to my mom and it always seems like a pointless conversation because she tends to be very unreasonable in her thinking. At times, it makes me feel even more motivated to move out, but I also know I need to be here to help them out.

All in all, things have been going very well. I'm looking forward to this last month of my high school experience, that's for sure!